"some fun more fun things"- I think there's a poltergeist in my keyboard.   (Fri Aug 5 0:28 2005)

Hi,
  My husband had the day off today, so he chose to spend the entire day playing some kind of computer game- all the better for me I suppose to do something useful.  I worked on the latch hook rug I am making for my mom.  I promised it to her a long time ago- but I think now I will finally finish it (within the next couple of weeks, at least).  I went shopping, to the bank, cooked dinner, and left a card with $20 in it from my husband and I on my son's bed- so he will know we care, because he is so hard to talk to some times. I also watched some ghost stories on TV.  
Michelle,
I think you're right about coming home from a trip. Yesterday I was crying about stupid stuff.  Today I'm over it.  I want to start doing some fun more fun things.   (Fri Aug 5 0:25 2005)

Today is my Day 52 on Zoloft, my day 3 on 100mg.  Last night I had trouble falling asleep.  Once I fell asleep, I had trouble STAYING asleep.  I would wake every hour to an hour and a half, and not be able to go back to sleep for 30 minutes or so, each time.  This morning, I was still a bit tired when I woke.  I felt some anxiety type symptoms, but I think they were more blood sugar relates, as after eating lunch, I felt much better.
Today, I read my National Geographic magazine, hung of with my daughter, tried to check on my golfers (tried because they had a rain delay), and ended up making chocolate chip cookies.  Then, this afternoon, I took .5mg of Ativan, as I was going to have to drive to the automotive shop to pick up my husband in rush hour traffic.  (He is having his truck worked on).  My daughter rode with me and I did just fine.  My daughter and I dropped my husband off at home, and went to the grocery store.  I was craving fresh Salmon.  So, we grabbed up some items, including fresh salmon, and returned home.  I made a wonderful dinner.  YUMMM!  
After dinner, my daughter and I went for a short walk, about a mile.  I was sooo excited to walk, as it was the first time I have been on a walk in 2 or 3 weeks.  My friend that I usually walk with returned from vacation, but my back was out.  Then, yesterday when I started feeling better, she was not home.  She was gone again this evening.  My daughter was an Angel and walked with me.
I came home and started laundry then ran upstairs to the computer so I could type you guys and see how everyone is doing.
That is my Day 52 on Zoloft, so far.
   (Thu Aug 4 22:48 2005)

WW, I often suffer with hyperactivity, inability to sleep and mixed emotions after travelling home.  So do my husband and children.  I think it is a natural response.  We get all hyped up for the trip and put 100% of our time and energy into visiting and spending time with our loved ones and then experience the down side when we return to normal life.  If our family lived around the corner we would react differently to our time with them.  Not such drastic highs and lows.  Not questioning ourselves about did we spend enough time, did we leave a good impression, etc.  This happens when you live far away as things like getting together are so seperated by time.   (Thu Aug 4 16:36 2005)

It's 11:00 here.  Are you lazies still in bed?  How's it going on 100 mg. Panicccy and Andrew?  What's new Michelle?  Where are you hiding out Ratbag?     (Thu Aug 4 13:03 2005)

It's 4:00 a.m. now and I'm still awake.  But this time I really should go to bed.  Talk to you later.  P.S. Andrew I'm glad you have such good friends.     (Thu Aug 4 6:08 2005)

Now it's 3:00 in the morning.  What a bunch of insomniacs we are, huh?  But I drank several diet cokes on the way home and I'm not used to caffeine. My son's all depressed because his girlfriend is moving to Florida.  So, it's good to be home, but reality is kind of slapping me in the face.     (Thu Aug 4 5:05 2005)

I'm baaacck!  I drove home in record time- no getting lost this time and we only got stuck on Wolf Creek Pass for 15 min. this time. I was fine until I sat down and ate dinner.  Now my body feels a little shakey and I can feel all my blood pulsing through me like it's going too fast. But I think I'm just fine- just a little tired and hyped.  I'll write more details later after I rest up a little bit.    (Thu Aug 4 0:39 2005)

Andrew-I found a tremendous relief in letting the world know that I have an anxiety disorder, that I am treating it, and that I am making changes to improve it.  One less thing to dwell on internally.  It is a step in the healing process.  It also gave me more drive to heal as I gained the support of others and they make me stick to my guns.
Paniccy-The chat room is odd.  It is the only one I have ever been on, so I have nothing to compare it to.  Hope I didn't pressure you, Allie just seemed so desperate for help and I knew you could offer it so I alerted you.  You did not rush off, no need to apologize, family comes first.  I am also very happy to hear you go out and do things, I had a rough time with that when this anxiety thing started.
WW-Looking forward to your safe return.   (Wed Aug 3 17:24 2005)

yesterday was my first day on 100mg.  I could not fall asleep either.  I wish I would have known that you were up and at home, we could have chatted about how we can't sleep :)
I finally fell asleep around 5:30, but I kept waking up every 45 minutes.  Finally, around noon, I gave up trying and got out of bed.
Sorry I don't have any advice for you - if I find something that works for me, I'll let you know - please do the same!   (Wed Aug 3 14:50 2005)

Hey guys, it's 5:00 AM right now and I can't sleep. Since I've been on Zoloft, and especially since I'm increased my dose to the full 100 mg, I haven't been able to fall asleep. The only side-effect that I really notice from taking Zoloft is trouble falling asleep.

I was wondering if any of you guys have ever had this same problem? And if so, what did you do to overcome it? A few weeks ago I took this stuff called Simply Sleep, however, the next day I would feel all groggy and tired. I just don't know what to do, because I'm really liking the Zoloft, but I don't want to have to discontinue just because I can't sleep because of it. Any suggestions?   (Wed Aug 3 6:02 2005)

In every relationship there will be obstacles which can either ruin it or strengthen it. Last night, my group of friends had the worst obstacle we had so far encountered. Tonight we met around 10:00 PM at a playground next to the high school. It was dark when Bethany and I got out of our car, but we ended up sitting at a picnic table across from three of our other friends under some lights.

It was very awkward at first, and the tension was thick. Mandy, one of my friends who wasn't really involved but really close to all of us played the mediator, since she has such a level head on her shoulders. After a few couple spurts of argueing we bagan to make some progress.

Suddenly, the subject took and unexpected turn, and Lauren and Lexy, the two girls sitting beside Mandy, said they were worried about me. Last night Bethany was drinking at my house, and when they found out, they were worried because they thought I was having a destructive influence on her. They were worried that Bethany would become as abusive towards Alcohol that I have been. They explained to me that they think that I have incredible potential and am bound for great things, but they fear some of my addictive tendancy could lead to disaster.

Then Lexy shared something to all of us that she has never told anybody before, "Her dad has been addicted to Prescription Pain Killers for the past 10 years, and he still is." She told us how hard it is for her entire family, and of the problems it has created. It really affected me, hearing her tell us all of this.

The subject gradually shifted back towards me, and we began talking about my condition. The only one that knew about my Depression was Bethany, but then she said to everyone, "You guys probably already know, but Andy has a pretty severe case of Depression."

After she threw it out there for everybody to know, I didn't feel angry, or embarrassed, or ashamed. I only felt one emotion, relief. I've felt like I've been hiding it for my entire life to people, and I'm always hiding it by wearing a disguise. But now that they know, I feel like I can finally just be myself, it was a nice feeling knowing that my closest friends now understand a huge part of me.

We finished the night by joking around a bit, and having a few laughs while telling some funny stories. Around midnight, we decided we should head out and go home. When we were all walking together out to our cars, I couldn't help but observe that all of our friendships had just gotten deeper and stronger.

I'm saddened by the thought of leaving them in a month. I've had so many great memories together with them, it'll be tough saying goodbye knowing that we won't see each other very often. This year just flew by, but along the way I've met the best friends I could have ever asked for, and I know that we have the type of friendships that will last a lifetime. I've never had this type of friendship with anyone before, where their is a genuine caring for the other person, and tonight I realized that that's what I have, and it means the world to me.

Well you guys, I hope you all had a great day and an even better evening. I hope that right now all of you are getting a peaceful, restful night's sleep! Goodnight everyone!   (Wed Aug 3 3:24 2005)

Sorry I was in a hurry on chat today.  My family had decided to go get dinner, and I was bout to log off when I saw the note regarding chat.  I did not want to leave Allie in a lurch, so I stayed on and tried to answer as many questions as possible without making my family wait too long.
BTW  - I hate the way that CHAT is set up.  It is more like a fast posting forum than chat.  I wish it was more like regular chat -Oh, plus, I get active X pop-ups almost constantly when I am on there.  I know it is because of the security setting I set up for my PC, but it is rediculous.  I have never run into anything that bad before. (active X)
Hope to hear from you soon.     (Wed Aug 3 0:22 2005)

Today is my Day 50 on Zoloft.  I increased my dosage to 100mg this afternoon.  It was bumpy at first.  Then seemed to go well for a while.  However, I am having “eye-issues” again.  It must be the increased dosage, as they had passed for a couple of days prior to my raising the dosage today.  I feel like I cannot think clearly.  I also feel a  speedy and shaky (although I am not physically shaking).  I don’t know quite to make of it yet.  If I had to guess, I would say that I might not be sleeping well tonight.  I don’t know…..I am just rambling now…..Anyway, that has been my Day 50 (day 1 on 100mg), so far.   (Wed Aug 3 0:19 2005)

Goodnight Everybody.  I head home tomorrow.  
I'll write more then.   (Wed Aug 3 0:08 2005)

Paniccy, please come over to chat.  I think Allie has a lot of questions. Thanks!   (Tue Aug 2 19:33 2005)

Well, I took my first 100mg dosage of Zoloft about 2 hours ago.  I am feeling a bit anxious.  Sweaty palms, worried about breathing, pulse, etc.  I do not know if I am anxious due to the fact that I moved up to 100mg, or if it from taking the 100mg.  Anyway, I will let you guys know how it goes.   (Tue Aug 2 19:02 2005)

Thanks Paniccy, I was able to chat with Allie for a while.  She is really struggling with the benzos.  Have you went up to 100mgs yet?  I am not sure how that equates to Paxil.   (Tue Aug 2 18:46 2005)

Hi- I have 1 more day here and then I have
to head home tomorrow so that my daughter
can get fitted with her band uniform for
school.  I wish that I could stay longer,
but them's the brakes.  I'll write more
later.   (Tue Aug 2 12:30 2005)

Hey guys, it's now past 3:30 am and I still can't fall asleep. Around 3:15 I got and went downstairs. I ate a bowl of cereal while watching an episode of Friends, in an attempt to take my mind off of the events of the evening. I'm the type of person who can't handle it when people are angry at me. It bothers me so much when I'm in unresolved fights with people, whether it be friends, girlfriend, or family. However, when it comes to friends I'm really a peaceful person. I'm very likeable, and I've been pretty good at keeping on good terms with everybody. I can't honestly say I have any enemies or people that have a problem with me, so that's why when I do get in fights with people I care about, it drives me crazy. I can't stand it. I've been up all night laying in bed trying to take my mind off it. I read some Harry Potter, I pet the dog, listened to some music, but I just can't seem to stop thinking about this fight.

It's such a stupid thing to fight about, but when I think about it, nothing I did should have caused her to react like this. She's the type of girl who is constantly in fights with close friends, so I shouldn't get so worked up over it, but I am.

Guys, I just want to get some sleep and forget about this. I wish I had some vicodin to take my mind off of it. Now would be a perfect time to take a benzo, I just wish I had some to take. I've already drunk about a gallon of Chamomile Tea tonight, which right now seems pretty ineffective. However, maybe if I hadn't had it I'd be having a panic attack, so maybe it is working.

Sorry I'm just rambling on again, and I understand if at this point you are so bored of listening to me blab on about it you want to stop reading, but it's almost 4 in the morning and I have nothing else to do. I'm all out of those sleeping pills, although I guess I could take some Nyquil, but I don't want to be all groggy tomorrow. However, I'll probably be groggy anyway since I'm going to be up all night. AHH!!

Why did this have to happen? All of this is just so stupid, so why can't I just forget about it for a while?

If I'm still awake in a few more hours I'll post another message, otherwise I'll just talk to ya guys tomorrow.   (Tue Aug 2 4:49 2005)

Today was a pretty good day to say the least. I woke up around 1:00 pm, went to work at 2:00, and picked up Bethany a little after 7. After I picked her up, we went back to my house, where we were planning on drinking a little together. She has never drink before, but since we are going to college in a month, she wanted to try it before she goes. It's good to have a little experience before college, otherwise you never know what you're in for.

However, after a couple of hours of drinking she was beginning to feel a pretty strong buzz, if not a little drunk. I on the other hand, decided not to have more than a few sips, and then drink some Chamomile Tea the rest of the night and keep an eye on her. Then the whole night went straight to hell. Her best friend had found out that she had been drinking a little. Moments later she came over with a couple of our other friends and started bitching at Bethany. Both of those girls that came over had drink a few times before, and one of them smoke cigarrettes, so it pissed me off. I was so mad at them for trying to make Bethany feel bad when all of them do stuff, so I yelled at them. It's hard to explain the entire situation to it's full effect without leaving out some history of these friends. It's just a big fucking mess now, and I'm so angry at them. They've both been at my house drinking before, so they had no right to come and get angry about Bethany doing it. Tomorrow we are all getting together to talk, although I'm not really looking foreward to it, I have a feeling there has been a lot of built up tension between everyone so there's a good chance it'll get ugly. I hate this shit, and it'll be nice to go to college and get away from them.

I know the reason why those girls are so mad, and it's such a stupid reason. They are all jealous of Bethany, because she's the only one that has had a boyfriend, and now she's experiencing all these cool things with me and they wish they were her. So once they found out she was drinking they got even more jealous since they all want to drink and they have no way of doing it. It's complicated and I don't even want to think about it anymore. Sorry for babbling on about this, you guys don't care. AHH!!!

On a different note, I feel the Zoloft is working great. Normally work is so stressful and long, but now I just go and it goes by fast and I don't seem to mind. Today while driving home from work, I couldn't help but say out loud with a smile in the car, "This Zoloft is awesome!"

Anyways, I'll talk some more tomorrow, but I'm absolutly exhausted. Goodnight guys!   (Tue Aug 2 2:57 2005)

Today is my Day 49 on Zoloft.  My day started off relaxed and refreshing.  My daughter had a friend over and they played board games and card games.  Then, this afternoon, we decided to go to the mall.  I took .5mg of Ativan and we headed to the mall.  Driving was an issue today, even with the Ativan.  I experienced shortness of breath, sweaty palms, light headedness while driving.  Once we arrived at the mall, my arms were tingling.  I continued to feel a bit anxiety ridden for about 15 minutes.  Then, I started to feel better.  We spent 4 hours shopping in the mall, then left and stopped by some boutiques on the way home.  It ended up being a 6 hour adventure.  By the time we arrived home, my back was hurting.  I ate some dinner and then went to lie down in bed.  I decided to try to do some meditation.  The next thing I knew, it was midnight and I had been asleep for an hour and a half.  
I took between 70-100mg of Zoloft again today.  I took it even later in the day today than I did yesterday.  I know, I had a plan to take it earlier.  However, since we were at the mall, I forgot.  Then, later I remembered I had not taken it.  SO, we stopped into a Bistro and grabbed some drink, so that I cook take my med.  I don’t know if it was the Zoloft that made me sleepy or if it was activity combined with back pain and meditation.  I guess I will have to wait ‘til tomorrow to see how it goes.
I am a bit upset about the driving situation today.  I know the Zoloft is helping in other areas, but the driving situation was worse today than it has been since I started Zoloft.  I had a passenger and everything.  I don’t know what to make of it.
   (Tue Aug 2 1:43 2005)

Chat room - I tried to go on a couple of times; howver, no one was there.  I think it is like one of those things that you need to make a plan to go there at a cartain time or something, as I have never been able to find anyone chatting.  The way you log on is to click the chat button listed on the main page or the top of the forum page.  I am not sure how it works, as no one has ever been there.  From the looks of it, it is a little different than traditional chat.  I have only been to a couple of chat rooms in my entire life.  Usually, they are a window that has various people talking one after another.  This one looks like it is more of a forum style chat - not sure tho.   (Tue Aug 2 1:34 2005)

Paniccy, I see you are on the chat line.  How does one get on it?  Do you like it?   (Mon Aug 1 17:36 2005)

I lost track how many days I've been off of
Zoloft.  I'll have to check.  But I figure
since it takes a few weeks to take effect it
probably takes at least that to get back to
normal.  I would like to have a little more
energy and to quit konking out so early in
the evening- only to wake up later unable to
sleep.  I did that last night- fell asleep
in my clothes on top of the bed really early
after reading, then I woke up at bedtime,
put on my pajamas, and read until the wee
hours of the morning.  I got up every few
hours after that for brief periods of time.  
Now it is morning and I'm dragging. Today we
are going to the feed store- whehooo- my mom
feeds all the local birds, squirrels,
racoons, etc.  I'm not sure how I'm changing
after going off meds. but I think my natural
shyness is re-emerging a little.   (Mon Aug 1 12:26 2005)

Today is my Day 48 on Zoloft.  My back felt better today and I was able to be up and about.  I am very thankful for that improvement.  Today, I decided to continue trying to take my Zoloft later in the day, hoping that would help.  While I did not have any new side effects, it is well into the middle of the night, and I am not at all tired.  I think that maybe I should try the reverse as Andrew is doing.  Focus on taking the Zoloft in the late morning.  However, it will likely take me several days to get there, by taking my dosage about 1-2 hours earlier each day.  The bummer is that since I have been going with the later theory, it will take me several days just to get back to where I was the mid-afternoon dose.  Today I took between 75mg and 100mg.  I just shaved a small corner off of the 100mg tablet and took it.  I know it was more than 75mg, but less than 100mg.  I wanted to get ready to start the move to 100mg, but not until I had heard from Andrew.  Now that I have heard from Andrew, I will likely make the move to the full 100mg on Wednesday.  I think I can be close to my usual afternoon time by then.  In the meantime, I will continue just to shave a small corner off the 100mg as I did today.  It seems that when I increase my dosage, I get a little shaky and stuff, just as I did in the beginning going from 25mg to 50mg.  I would like to be able to progress to the full 100mg by Wednesday, as I would like to have a full week or so at 100mg before I call for my refill (currently scheduled around the 9th or 10th, I think).  That way, if 100mg is “too much”, I can consult my doctor prior to refilling the 100mg.  Anyway….
Today went well.  I rested my back most of the morning and then did laundry.  I took .5mg of Ativan and then my daughter and I spent the afternoon shoe shopping. Later, we stopped by Starbucks and then by the health food store on the way home.  I made a nice curry chicken for dinner and then watched the Sunday night HBO line-up.  My husband and I played a game and then I came up to the computer to check the finish of my Fantasy Golfers for the week.  Just in case you are interested, they did not fair too well.  They did not do miserably, but I won’t be winning any weekly prize, that’s for sure.
That has been my Day 48 on Zoloft.
Have a great evening all, and I will talk to you guys soon.
   (Mon Aug 1 2:32 2005)

Panicccy, I hope the 100 mg works out for you. Normally I take my Zoloft when I wake up, which is usually anytime between 11:00 am - 1:30 pm. I've noticed that when I used to take it around dinner time, I would have a lot of trouble falling asleep since it kicks in like 6-8 hours after I take it. So, when I take it when I wake up, it kicks in during the day and gives me some energy. However, I still have trouble falling asleep at night, but it's probably because I've been sleeping in so late this summer, and it's shifted my entire sleep pattern.

Today was a pretty eventful day. I woke up to the sound of my phone ringing. When I answered it my girlfriend was on the other line wondering where I was. After looking at the clock and realizing the I was supposed to pick her up 10 minutes ago for church, I immediately sprang up from my bed (since afterall that's the type of thing I tend to do), and got ready. We ended up going to a later service, so it worked out anyway.

After church, I dropped Bethany off and drove straight home to pick my parents up. They loaded the car with their luggage and I gave them a lift to the Airport, where they flew to Alaska. They'll be gone for the next week and a half so it'll be kinda nice with no supervision around the house for a while.

Anyways, after I dropped them off I drove straight back to Bethany's. Once I picked her up I drove back home and got dressed, then drove up to Lake Nakomis again and went for another run while Bethany rollerbladed.

It was extremely hot out today, so once we were done we took off our socks and walked knee deep into the lake, which felt so good Bethany decided it would be funny to push me under. However, while I was falling I grabbed her and brought her down with me, we had a good laugh about it.

We went back to my house after drying off, which then we decided it was a good time to take a nap. So, being that the parents are gone and the house abandoned, we decided to hop in bed and sleep for a while. It was nice.

After the nap we went over to her house, where we read some Harry Potter before eating dinner with her parents. From there we went directly to the Minnesota Zoo's Imax Theatre, where we were able to get in free to see Charlie and The Chocolate Factory. It was an alright movie, Johnny Depp is an incredible actor in my opinion and he did a great job. However, the movie in it's entirety was pretty twisted, and actually kind of creepy. I wouldn't recomend it to see in the theatre's unless you're able to somehow get in for free.

From the Theatre we attempted to go to Dairy Queen, however, being that it's a Sunday it was closed. But, some of our friends called us from Baker Square and told us they had just ordered a French Silk Pie. We decided to meet back at my house, watch a couple Friends episodes and indulge ourselves in a delicious French Silk Pie. Then to conclude the evening, I drink a bunch of Chamomile Tea, and once they left I jumped on the computer to check in with you guys.

I hope you all had a fun, relaxing summer day. I think my little Toy Poodle is waiting for me to head to bed. Now that my parents are gone, it's my bed she wants to sleep in now, haha! Goodnight you guys, I'll talk to ya tomorrow!   (Mon Aug 1 1:42 2005)

Hi guys,
    My trip is going well.  My brother and
his wife came to visit last night and we had
a great time playing a board game.  I am
doing well.  Yesterday, however I went to
the grocery store with my dad and my eyes
just would not get used to the bright
lights.  My nervous system  felt just a
little shocky and I had a couple little
momentary dizzy/lightheaded kind of spells-
but nothing major.  That night I felt really
shy at dinner with my brother and his new
wife, but that wore off and at the end of
the night we were all talking and laughing.  
My body is still a little sore from all that
driving, but I am appreciating the slow pace
of my parent's life right now.  It is very
relaxing.  The doorbell and the phone aren't
constantly ringing.  Today we might go to
the pet store to buy a hamster tube maze for
my daughter's hamsters.  This is just the
kind of vacation I need right now- slow and
calming. In a few weeks I will be living at
a frenzied pace again when school starts.  
I'm even working on a latch hook rug.   (Sun Jul 31 15:18 2005)

Thanks for the info.  My doc is the one that told me to move to 100mg (last Tues). I was nervous and the site was down, so I moved to 75mg instead.  I was having some issues, so I postponed the jump to 100mg until I could better see how the 75mg was going.  
BTW - what time of day do you take you Zoloft?   (Sun Jul 31 14:40 2005)

Panicccy, I haven't experienced any side effects since moving up to the 100 mg dose. In fact, I've been feeling great ever since. This is the best I've felt on any medication so far. The only thing I really could say may be from the Zoloft, is trouble falling asleep. Since I moved up my dose, I feel like I've had so much more energy now, and late at night it can be difficult trying to slow down because I've been getting some major motivation back. Today I biked 20 miles with my girlfriend, and I've already gone on like 3 runs this past week... all of a sudden I'm feeling more motivated to get out and do that kind of thing. I've notived that my typical anxiety over a lot of things has subsided drastically, and I've been able to do things now without even thinking too hard about.

I felt like absolute shit about a week ago, but since I've been taking 100 mg, there has been a major improvement. Maybe Panicccy, all you really need is to bump yourself up to the full 100 mg, it seems to be working great for me.

As far as the Alcohol goes, I have noticed that the buzz kicks in a little quicker than normal. Take it that I haven't been drinking as much since I've been on this med, but the few times that I have, it's been wonderful. However, the chamomile tea seems to be intensifying the calmness that I've been feeling. I've been drinking this stuff made by Bigelow called Cozy Chamomile.

Overall, I can really tell a difference now that I've been on 100 mg, it's like night and day. I'm not a doctor, but I'd recommend maybe jumping up to that full dose and give it a couple days to come into effect. I only did 2 days on 75 mg before jumping up to 100 mg, so I would say you are plenty ready. But, maybe give the doc a call and let him know if that's what you decide to do. I hope some of this helps!

Well everyone, I'm absolutely exhausted. So, I think I'm gonna go brew myself some Tea and head up to bed to read some more Harry Potter (That book is so damn good!). Goodnight!!!   (Sun Jul 31 2:11 2005)

Today is my Day 47 on Zoloft, my day 10 on 75mg.  Well, my back is still not up to par; however, it is doing far better than yesterday.  Interesting thing I discovered this evening……my husband brought home a nice bottle of French wine…..so, I had about 2-3 glasses…….wow – apparently, on Zoloft, 2-3 glasses = BUZZ.  Very Interesting.  As far as anxiety/panic went today, I did well.  I am trying to adjust my Zoloft to later in the day, in case going to 100mg makes me sleepy or something.  So, today, I waited until about 2 hours after I usually take it before my dosage.  My plan is to do this several days in a row and then to increase to the full 100mg.  Anyway, during the period leading up to my dosage, I experience a little anxiety…but nothing severe.  My husband and I ran some errands together and then stopped for some take-out.  I did great.  Usually running errands in the middle of a Saturday afternoon is nerve-racking, even with a partner.  Today, I found myself quite equipped for the task.  Anyway, that is my Day 47 so far.
Andrew…..are you noticing any side effects on the 100mg dose?  Have you noticed that alcohol and Zoloft = waaay fast buzz?  So weird.
How is your trip going WW?
Ratbag – where are you?
Michelle – ready for school?
Wow – I hope this made sense.
Have a great night guys!
   (Sat Jul 30 23:25 2005)

Panicccy, I'm glad that your eye is doing
better and I hope that your higher dose is
working for you. I don't know why my
messages are cutting off weird because this
is my dad's computer, but I didn't pull him
in to look at it because I feel like my
parents don't need to know all my business-
writing to you guys is kind of private for
me- something I do just for me.  
Andrew, It sounds like your higher dose IS
working well for you.  I don't think that
listening to the Titanic soundtrack is
gay-particularly when when you are listening
to it with your girlfriend.  The music on
that movie is beautiful.
Ratbag- good to hear from you and I think
that my forum problems are pretty much
resolved for now.  But I will be more
cautious in the future.
Michelle- My class is a small self contained
class with resource students coming in and
out also.  I don't have an aide, so I
couldn't handle the numbers you have.  The
principal does send some aides to come help
me, but it is not consistent and it is only
for parts of the day.  I have a conflict of
interest in teaching my full time kids and
the ones who go in and out.
    I did so well for days, but after my big
drive I am back to wanting to sleep all the
time.  I think my brain is still trying to
normalize itself and that long drive set me
back a little bit.  Each day I am slightly
better though.   (Sat Jul 30 11:05 2005)

Hey everybody! I hope you all had a wonderful day today. As for myself, I ended up having a pretty good day. I was scheduled to work a shift for today, so last night I felt a little anxiety before bed thinking about it. However, once I got to work, it turned out I felt pretty good. Once again, I can't tell if it's the Zoloft dose, or the Tea that is the contributing to this cause. Either way, I'm going to continue both (no use in messing with something that appears to be working).

Anyways, I'll tell you a little more about my day. I woke up at 12:35 PM, and the second I glanced at the alarm clock and understood what it was telling me, I immediately sprang up from my bed. I did that for several reason; one, because I had a shift at 1:00 PM and I still had to drive to the Mall of America, and two, because I just like to spring out of bed, it's a rush (haha kidding).

I got to work about 10 minutes late, but being the place that I work there, they really don't seem to care. My shift seemed to go by pretty fast today. It didn't seem long before I was walking out to meet my girlfriend who was waiting for me near the Sushi Bar. From there we went to my car and drove to Lake Nakomis (Where we always go). I changed into some shorts in the car, and went for a 3 mile jog around the lake while Bethany rollerbladed beside me.

From there we drove back to the Mall of America, where we went straight to Panda Express (A delicous chinese restaurent that makes the best orange chicken!). After we ate, we walked down to Camp Snoopy for some ice cream cones.

We ended up driving back to my house after leaving the mall at around 10 PM. The next couple hours consisted of laying in my basement, reading Harry Potter together, whilst drinking Chamomile Tea. We were also listening to the Titanic soundtrack throughout all of this... I know, I know, sounds a little gay, but hey, it's relaxing and nice to read to!

So, that brings me here, sitting on the computer again, posting another message to my long distant pen pals, telling them all about my day, hoping that their's was as good as mine! And once again, I'll part by wishing you all a great night, and a happy tomorrow! Goodnight Dudes!   (Sat Jul 30 2:00 2005)

Glad you made it safely.  Have a great time visiting your family.
Oh, BTW - your posts look funny....the are cut off or something.  Instead of continuing across the page, the cut off.  Just thought I would mention it.   (Sat Jul 30 1:18 2005)

Today was my Day 46 on Zoloft.  My back hurt all day, but the Zoloft went well.  I did not have any anxiety or panic attacks.  Of course, since my back is hurting, I did not try to get out.  I wonder how much of it is Zoloft working, and how much is just the fact that I haven’t been anywhere to make me anxiety ridden?  Oh, and the eye thing was better today.  I am starting to wonder if maybe having a glass of tea with dinner is making the eye thing worse.  Tonight, I did not have any tea with dinner (green or black) and the eye thing was barely noticeable compared to the last couple of afternoon/nights.  Anyway, that is my Day 46 on Zoloft, Day 9 on upped dose of 75mg.  I am considering moving to the full 100 soon, depending on how the eye thing goes the next couple of days.   (Sat Jul 30 1:17 2005)

My example of the apples.  I have taught 13 children from the same family and now am on their children.  YIKES!  Birth control is free for welfare recipients is it not?   (Fri Jul 29 19:17 2005)

SDC-Special Day Class, meaning all day special education vs. Resource.  In other words mental retardation, autism, learning disabily, etc.  Our classes are so big because "apples don't fall too far from the tree"!  I am now on third generation students.  Scary, when I've only been at this for 21 years.   Obviously the families I serve have been far more active at other things than work!  Sound familiar?  Actually, this year I am going to have a Downs syndrome girl (now 18) work in my class.  I was her teacher, k-3.  This should be interesting.  She functions educationally at about a 12 year old level, but Mom wants me to help out as she is experiencing all of the hormonal levels of an 18 year old.  I have a terrible habit of getting attached to my "kids" and their families.   (Fri Jul 29 19:12 2005)

O.K.  I guess that 1st message got lost.  I
forgot to tell you that I teach all kinds of
disabilities- except ED and BD- because we
have a special class for those kids.  But
sometimes I end up with a few of them
anyway, for various reasons.   (Fri Jul 29 18:58 2005)

Michelle,
    It just happened again, plus I forgot to
sign my name- so I'll make this short in
case the other message shows up.  I teach
multi-age, special ed. with mixed A,B,C, and
D level kids.  What is SDC?  I don't like
doing IEP's either.  I have about 20 kids on
my caseload.  How come your kindergarten
classes are so big?  That's crazy.   (Fri Jul 29 18:55 2005)

O.K. now I see that both messages showed up.  
Hmmmm-go figure.   (Fri Jul 29 18:41 2005)

What grade level of Special Ed. do you teach?  Is it LD, Severe, TMR, etc.?  My district just informed me that I will be teaching two full class sessions this year.  I teach kindgergarten SDC with all handicaps except ED.  This means I will teach a 3 1/2 hour class in the morning and a 3 1/2 hour class in the afternoon.  I did this a year ago for the final trimester and it was very wearing.  I fear burnout with an entire school year of it.  I will have a total of 30 children, 30 IEPs, 60+ parents, get my drift?  Any words of wisdom would be appreciated!   (Fri Jul 29 18:41 2005)

Michelle,
  I wrote you a message, but apparently it
didn't send.  I don't normally hit the toll
roads.  In fact I accidentally got on an
expressway heading towards the Denver
airport which is the exact opposite
direction I was supposed to be going.  It
was kind of scarey because it was very dark,
lots of traffic,and nowhere to pull over.  
But all I felt was normal fear- not panic
and nothing that was not warrented by the
situation.  And I did all this off meds- so
I feel really good.  Yesterday though my
body knew I was in a safe place to let down
the defenses though so I felt the anxiety,
dizziness, and stress then- but I slept it
off.  Today I feel pretty good, but tired.  
Tomorow I think I'll go out and have some
fun shopping, site seeing and stuff.     (Fri Jul 29 18:40 2005)

Normally there aren't tollbooths, but I
ended up on the expressway to the airport-
going the exact opposite direction that I
was trying to go.  I hate big city driving-
especially in the dark because you get stuck
on the freeway where there is nowhere to
safely pull over and look at a map.  
My parents live in a nearby city and they
have all kinds of wildlife in their yard.  
We saw a mother and baby deer yesterday.   (Fri Jul 29 18:29 2005)

Glad you made it.  Road construction and activity is inevitable isn't it?  I didn't realize there were tollbooths that far west. Denver is our halfway home mark.  It is 18 hours from here and then another 18 home.  Obviously, I dread that drive!   (Fri Jul 29 17:10 2005)

Hi Michelle.  I did very well.  I had
several great days in a row- the 2 where I
put together my little video for church and
then I drove 11 hours over mountains passes,
the rain, getting lost in Denver in the
dark...and still I didn't freak out.  But
yesterday I was dizzy, tired, and a little
panicky feeling.  I mostly slept in off.  
Today I am lazy, with a slight jet lag
feeling.  I have been thinking of you guys a
lot.  Ratbag have you considered trying to
transfer to another school or working as
another kind of school assistant if they
don't have other library positions?  I am
starting to get up earlier in the morning in
preparation for going back to school.  I
feel like I can do nearly anything for a few
days, weeks, or even months- but when the
school year starts to wear on me I hope it
won't drive me right back to Zoloft.  I
really can't remember what it was like on
Zoloft as compared to off- the differences
are kind of subtle.   (Fri Jul 29 17:10 2005)

Whehoo it worked.  I did just fine on my
drive over here.  We listened to my
daughter's Harry Potters CD's in the van.  
But we got stuck waiting on the down side of
Wolf Creek Pass for almost 2 hours because
they were blasting. I had to go to the
bathroom so bad then, but I held it rather
than scrambling either up or down a hillside
to hide behind some tree.  There were soooo
many cars stopped that I didn't think there
was anywhere I could have gone where someone
wouldn't have seen me.  Later when our line
of traffic was allowed to go, I saw that
there were port-a-pots around.  Then it
started raining, so the roads were muddy,
there was freshly blasted rock all around
me- and still I didn't freak out.  Then
coming into the Denver area I took a wrong
turn and ended up making a big circle
totally lost and going through like 7
tollbooths at $1.75 each on an expressway
where 70 mph was the limit.  This was the
most expensive wrong turn I have ever taken,
but at least I could ask the tollbooth
operators for directions- very expensive
directions, but I enventually managed to
find my way to my parent's city and house.  
I didn't get here until 11:00 p.m.  
Yesterday I mostly slept and read all day
because  I was so tired.  I was also a
little dizzy.  Today I visited, talked and
argued with the folks.  My daughter is off
at the movies with a friend.  There are lots
of animals here to keep me entertained.   (Fri Jul 29 16:58 2005)

Got it!  How was your drive?   (Fri Jul 29 16:52 2005)

I tried to write you guys a message last
night, but when I tried to send it, the
message got lost.  This is a short test
message.   (Fri Jul 29 16:46 2005)

Again, it's late in the evening as I find my way back home and ultimately back to this computer, where I'll write out and post a few last thoughts before retiring to my bed. I guess to begin, I would just like to state for the record that I'm absolutely exhausted right now, and so if this entry doesn't make a whole lot of sense, it's because I either wasn't paying attention to what I was writing, or I fell asleep half way through and was too lazy to finish it.

Anyways, tonight was very similar to last night, in so many ways that I'll try to spare you the redundant retelling of the same story. But, once again, I went over to Bethany's house. She had gone to a play with some of her Aunts and so she didn't get home until well after 10 PM. Once she arrived back at her house, she gave me a call, totally interrupting my reading of Harry Potter alone in my basement, but as we started talking, I quickly got over it, haha!

She invited me over and we decided that we wanted to lay on her couch together and watch a movie. So, prior to going over to her house, I picked out a few movies from my collection along with a few Teabags (Chamomile of course).

When I got there, I ate a few more of the cookies we had made last night. I really should give you guys the recipe for those, they are like little biscuits from heaven. But anyways, we ended up putting in Zoolander, which she had never seen before. So, we each got ourselves a tall glass of Tea, and snuggled up under the blankets.

After the movie, we shared one last glass and after a kiss goodnight, I once again made my way home in the early hours of the morning.

I'm not sure if it's the Tea, or the doubling of the dosage, but I'm so damn relaxed right now it's unreal. It's like going on a little vacation to a place where worries don't exist. Exactly a year ago on this same night, I was standing on a balcony overlooking Iringa, Tanzania in Africa. It was so beautiful, all of those little houses spread throughout the hillside. I remember talking with a couple of friends while we sat there gazing at this extroadinary view.

When I was walking up my driveway tonight, I looked up at the sky. The stars were out, and I couldn't help but think that these were the same stars hung over us on that night a year ago. There's really nothing more beautiful than a Starry Summer Night!   (Fri Jul 29 2:37 2005)

Today is my Day 45 on Zoloft.  I have been sticking with the 75mg since Friday.  I did not have any anxiety or panic attacks today.  However, I have noticed something a bit weird.  About 3 hours after taking my Zoloft, my eyes hurt.  They feel tired and unfocused.  If I TRY too hard to focus, I get dizzy.  My eyes also feel as if there is some kind of pressure on them.  It is hard to describe.  Anyway, this has been lasting from about 3 hours after I take my Zoloft to about 6+/- after the dosage.  I also find it hard to concentrate during that time.  After about 6 hours, there is still a slight tiredness to my eyes, but the discomfort and other issues are lessened to the point that I no longer find them bothersome enough to mention.  
I didn’t get out and do anything today….not because of any anxiety issues, but because my back has been bothering me the last few days.  I did however burn my tongue on some cookies.  I was sooo impatient that I grabbed a cookie as soon as I removed it from the oven…and like a fool, bit into it.  Man chocolate is HOT when it first comes out of the oven!!!
So far, that is my day 45 on Zoloft.
   (Fri Jul 29 0:52 2005)